Russell Twyce

How to Pick up Girls – Pluck Me

Short Fictional Pick Ups by Russell Twyce

Howie was utterly hopeless at picking up girls. That is even putting his total lack of success at picking up girls mildly. He was worse than pathetic at pick up lines and inept in the extreme at approaching girls. Some people went so far as to suggest that Howie couldn’t get lucky with a girl, if he walked into a whore house with a sack of gold over his shoulder. That might’ve been a bit harsh, albeit likely true, of his inability to get laid.

One thing certainly didn’t assist Howie in his efforts at picking up a girl and that was his name. His non-shortened name of Howard wasn’t exactly ‘babe magnetic’. But the diminutive name of Howie wasn’t any better, it might’ve even been worse at thwarting his effort at picking up girls. To further decrease his chances, his surname was Dudley. Howie Dudley.

Howie’s non-attractive moniker was a result of his mother being overly protective. She believed if she could prevent her son from getting laid, then she wouldn’t ever have to worry about Howie having a wife or girlfriend that she didn’t approve of. So far, her plan was working perfectly. Neither Howie nor his name had yet succeeded at picking up a girl.

Howie’s physical looks were not spectacular either. His ears poked out and he had overly prominent cheekbones that were strewn with freckles: he looked a lot like Howdy Doody. But most reading this won’t know of Howdy-Doody the puppet character from the early age of television, so we’ll leave that alone and stick to Howie’s trying to pick up a girl – ANY girl.

Looks aren’t as important as you might suppose. I could likely teach a male wart hog how to score with a female gazelle.

There is one more thing in the rambling beginning of this how to pick up girls tale that I want to mention. Like many of my stories, this fiction has its roots in fact. I did actually know a guy like this once. His name wasn’t Howard Dudley but we did often call him Howdy Doody and he was renown for his failures at picking up girls. The real life Howie wouldn’t give people a high-five for fear of some harm coming to his only sex partner.

But back to this story about picking up girls. Whether or not Howie could actually pick up a girl in a whorehouse had never been determined because Howie didn’t have the gold. That changed when he won a large prize in the lottery. And that’s really where this story of a unique attempt at picking up a girl begins.

Previously, Howie had heard that the world’s best pick up line was “I have a credit card and I know how to use it”. Up to now though, Howie Dudley hadn’t possessed the requisite credit card. He still didn’t have the credit card, he had applied but had not received it yet. Howdy Doody had better: he now had cash and scads of it.

“Would you like to pluck me?” Howie asked the girl he wanted to pick up.

“That was rude but ineffective.” She replied. The girl was truly hot. She looked similar to the babe above left on the banner image.

“I didn’t ask what you thought you heard.” Howie spoke louder to overcome the nightclub’s music.
“I said, ‘pluck’ me.”

“And is that supposed to make a difference?” The girl scolded with her hands on her hips like a mother threatening to wash a youngster’s mouth out with soap over a dirty word utterance. “I’m sure you meant it the way it sounded at first.”

“No.” Howie began unbuttoning his shirt’s top two buttons. “I mean ‘yes’ it makes a difference because I actually did mean pluck.”

“What are you doing?” The sexy girl reacts to his starting to disrobe. The girl was attired in a skimpy black dress that showed a lot of her body off and were she to take it suddenly off, nobody would mind at all. Howie’s physique was not quite up to that caliber and none really wanted to see it. Especially not the girl he wanted to pick up.

“I have these all over my body, fastened to my skin.” Howie Dudley opened his shirt to show that he had numerous hundred-dollar bills taped to his chest. “If we go and naked together, you can pluck me to your heart’s content. Of course, you will not be able to actually see I’m totally nude, until you’ve completely finished plucking me.”

Did Howie succeed? Is that an excellent method of how to pick up girls?